paperheroes.net

Due to the rising costs of cable thanks to the money-hungry people over at the Sky Cable network, it was decided that acquiring a Sky Digibox would actually prove more cost-effective to the household income than not, in the long run. Since my usual contribution towards balancing the budget as a kid usually involved not bathing for a week to save on water costs, I had little idea of what constituted financial savings when it came to maintaining a house, so I just nodded my head and agreed that maybe this would be best.

It’s been a week since the Sky Cable people have arrived, refrained from making fun of / be horrified by the collection of troll dolls in my room, installed their little cash cow and left, and I should be accustomed to the new contraption by now – but I swear by the power of Grayskull that sometimes it feels like it’s actually watching me.

Also, I would like to emphasize the fact that my cable company is called Sky. Which I suppose is short for SkyNet, because if any existing T-888 exoskeleton ever decided to disguise itself in a form of a DVD player / TiVo, you can bet your patooties it’s going to look exactly like this one.

I am still terrified that it might liquify into a small puddle of metallic silver on the floor, then reconstitute itself in the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger to slay me as I sleep. The only reason this is not keeping me up most nights is because the idea of me leading a regiment under John Connor’s banner as he wages his war against overlord Skynet in the distant future, is a ridiculous notion. I can’t even successfully lead a flock of devoted ducklings out a shopping mall.

The new channels we get from Skybox:

- History Channel. History FUCKING Channel, people.

- Bio Channel. Including a talk show hosted by William Shatner. William FUCKING Shatner, people.

- five new televangelical channels. Seriously. Like I need anyone else to tell me I am not worthy of either redemption or salvation by the grace of God unless I renounce my vile ways on a regular basis. I already have my parents for that.

- three additional HBO channels, divided into blockbuster hits, family-friendly movies, and bad comedies. Which means I am treated to such FANTASTIC movies like School for Scoundrels and Ali G Indahouse 24/7. It’s like waterboarding for the eyes, except with more penis.

- A horse racing / betting channel. For a few hours a day, you get to watch horses go around a ring while being ridden by hobbits with helmets. And then I suppose people call in and make bets about which horse goes around the ring the fastest, or which hobbit looks the most constipated. When no races are in progress, the channel tries to maintain your viewership by playing manly music fit for people who like betting on horses and hobbits, like “St. Elmo’s Fire” and “Gotta Believe in Magic”.

The channels we DON’T get from SkyBox that I want but am too cheap to pay extra / ask for:

- Crime and Investigation channel. Unfortunately, it IS being advertised on the History Channel, so I gnaw my liver each and every time they pop up with all the gratuitious forensic crime scenes involving decapitation and killings and gore and other fun things.

- The MGM classics channel.

- FX Channel. No Mad Men for me. Again.

Still no Conan, either. Or Jimmy Fallon. To mock me, SkyBox gave me David Letterman on two different channels instead.

Gratuitous shot of Dylan McDermott on my television set. Just because I can. Ignore the putrid blue and pink blinds. Some days I forget that I’m a girl.